Embrace the Bootstraps
After another difficult weekend I drag myself out of bed for a burger and beer date with a friend. Girl Talk. Venting, reasoning, sharing, laughing, drinking, crying, more drinking.
‘What do you want to do for yourself? What will empower you to get on with life? I can imagine a lot of things but for starters its time to stop holding onto this shameful secret of an experience. I need for friends across an ocean to be able to comfort me because they actually understand how many things just fell apart. Its not worth the barrage of flashbacks that undoubtedly swell up every time the question arises ‘what happened?’ No insignificant one-liner comment can communicate the story, the pain, the anxiety, or the loneliness of the experience.
Sorry travel blog. Reality changed.
Sharing your weakest moments to a whole world of friends is not easy. On one hand it feels like a huge gasp of air. I also equate it to streaking naked — God that feels liberating and what the F did I just do? There’s no going back now.
But I get the collective hug that I needed and I don’t have to answer any ‘what happened’ questions. My ‘ride or die bitches’ come out of their busy lives guns blazing. ‘What can we do? Burn his car? Steal the dog?’ Some well remembered acquaintances, who were on his side of spectrum, reach out to confirm that we should stay in touch. No need to disappear and when I am back in town we can grab drinks and meet up then. Other friends with whom I haven’t talked to in years reach out and we just reconnect. I even get to talk with an aspiring life coach.
Other friends and even some acquaintances share their own struggles and vulnerabilities with me. Some are tired of their jobs. Others are tired of not having jobs. Some are tired from their kids. Another is about to go through a divorce. We commiserate and it helps me get out of my head and empathize with others over their own struggles.
The reality is that there is a whole underground population of us hurt or demoralized folks who are stuck on couches and in bedrooms too tired to fight for Saturday night. Lots of people are getting through something and a little sense of community is formed by checking in on each other.
How do we reshape our building blocks? There is the shovel. Are you ready to pick up that shovel yet? Maybe not. You won’t be able to every day. That’s human. As an experienced water rafter I can also appreciate that it is safer and smarter to not stop paddling. I still want to take advantage of this opportunity to live abroad, advance my career, hike new trails, build a new network of friends, learn a new form of politics (no wait, governance), and live in a little big city where there is always something to do and always someone to run into.
I get to venture out on a short day hike with a friend and we get some amazing views of the city.
I inch my way back to into the things that I have had to avoid. I practice approaching people to ask if I can pet their dog. Don’t tear up to the point of letting a full tear out. Wait until you walk away to cry. Stay a little longer the next time. Smile. Feel that knot in your chest and don’t let it snowball. Exhale. Converse with the owner and maintain that extended interaction. Let the pups lean in. Breathe. It still requires dedicated effort.
The food thing comes back under control. Wellington celebrates two weeks of an intense burger festival. All the restaurants submit limited edition burger varieties and compete for prizes. 212 participating burgers this year. Green bread, rare meats, somehow papayas and mangoes find their way in too. I missed the majority of the party but as a ‘best efforts vegetarian’ my options were limited to the point where I was able to make up important ground in the last weekend.
I finally took the plunge to sign up for the open-practice club at the Circus Hub and get excited to set up practice dates with friends from class. Maybe we will sign up to perform in another show? I finally have enough energy to put effort into my training. Wouldn’t it be fun to jump on the circus train and become a ripped as(s) acro-poler? Maybe my new future will let me be the kind of ripped that I was in the past where people debate out loud if too much muscle on girls makes us less attractive. It feels like something worth aspiring to.
The employment gig picks up pace. At a 50’s themed office party I manage to drink just enough wine to dance the night away like a champion in heals. I get to know more staff and enjoy meeting all the partners and +1s. I like this group of people. After a few weeks of being ousted from 5 floors of office space for an emergency building maintenance issue, a new temporary office is secured. New people join the team and a more promising rhythm with learning opportunities and productivity all seem to take shape. It’s also about time for me to start thinking about long term employment options. Going back to the Bay Area could only be gut wrenching and my 1-year Working Holiday visa is more than half way through.
Find your feet. Make them move. I still have regular breakdowns but the recovery time improves and there are people to call when I have nothing other than sadness left to offer. One mentor gifts me a CS Lewis quote, “The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That’s the deal.” Good memories still sting but eventually I will learn to appreciate the good memories for what they were. Eventually, I will find comfort in the fact that some people can only serve us well for certain chapters of our lives. Start examining the question of how to forgive given that the experience cannot be forgot.
Both for myself and for others I can support another notion from C.S Lewis that, “Love is not [just an] affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.” There is still a long story left to experience so muscle through and paddle on.